So today is going to be a little different. It’s time to stray away from all those pretty things and get real, because life isn’t always pretty.

Friends, let’s talk about fear.

I’ve dealt with fear my whole adult life and most of my childhood, and I’m not talking about fearing the future or that dreaded phone call you know will one day come.
This fear is all consuming. It paralyzes you. It grabs a hold of you and, no matter how hard you fight, does not let go. You try to reason with yourself and believe it’s ridiculous, but it stays with you, every day, every minute, every year.

So what am I afraid of?
Spiders.
And that’s the only time I’ll write that word because I can’t bear to look at it.
I’m not just afraid to the point where I shriek and jump up and down, mind you I’m getting to that point and let me tell ya, it’s progress!

My fear started when I was a pre-teen. It developed from a shriek, to a scream, to hyperventilating to complete paralyzation.
I was at my worst when one night my parents returned home to me frozen on the floor, face blue from restricted breathing.
I remember hyperventilating, freezing, and sliding off the couch onto the floor, unable to control my surroundings and myself. My mind raced as my body lay motionless and my lungs struggled to take in air.

This episode terrified myself and, of course, my parents. My mom consulted our family doctor, who then made an outrageous claim that I was schizophrenic, so we stopped seeing her…that’s another story.
I have done tons of research on phobias, writing papers on it in university and feeling that, in some way if I knew everything I about it, I could overcome my fear by myself. To this day I have never sought counselling.
Why?
I think it terrifies me.

I know what counselling requires to get over a phobia, and while I know it takes several sessions before you even begin to look at a picture of your fear, just knowing I would have to do that, then eventually see a dead one, and then one alive…my heart is seriously palpitating with fear as I type this.
But, as I mentioned above, I have gotten better. I recognize when I’m starting to hyperventilate and can regulate my breathing, I haven’t frozen since that night on the couch, and guess what? I’ve even killed a few. Sure, they were only a couple mm big, but 15 year old me frozen on the floor would never have been able to do that.

I’ve made progress over the years and am really happy I have come this far on my own. But after nearly 20 years of this, I have a feeling I can’t fully overcome my fear until I face that secondary fear of counselling and what it may entail. Either way, I’m hopeful I will one day get there.

Having to think about my fear this entire time has raised my blood pressure to obscene highs. This was an incredibly difficult post to write, partly due to the nature of the topic and partly because I’m sharing something so personal with you. I don’t want my life to seem blogger-perfect because it isn’t. I have struggles like everyone else, and this is one I wanted to share in hopes to give you a glimpse at what having an irrational fear is like, and to help someone else with theirs.

Fear, no matter how seemingly insignificant, is a very real thing. If you know someone who struggles with a phobia, laughing at them or calling them ridiculous doesn’t help. They know their fear is ridiculous but it doesn’t make it any less of an impact on their lives. Rather than judge the woman who breaks down if she sees a red balloon, do everything in your power to make sure there isn’t a red balloon in sight. If you aren’t a counsellor or psychiatrist, it’s the best thing you can do.